Oh boy. I feel like this is one of those things that girls just can’t understand, like how a guy just won’t ever fully understand what it’s like having a period. Here’s my best analogy.
Imagine, if you will, that when an attractive guy talked to you, your boobs doubled in size. You can’t control it, they just do it all by themselves, like how you can’t control your heart beating.
Now imagine you’re sitting front-row, at your grandmother’s funeral. This is a sad day. You loved your grandma, and now Nana’s in a casket three feet in front of you, about to be buried. You’re wearing a black dress, very modest, when you feel a twinge in your chest. Oh fuck, not now! You look down at your chest, and there it is, they twitched, they’re expanding. Fuck me, why the fuck is this happening now!?!? You cross your arms, hoping to shield the fact that your boobs are steadily increasing, getting too big for your bra and dress, except you just know that people can notice it. I mean, you are doing the most obvious movements possible that every girl does when her boobs double in size, the arms crossed, the leaning forward in your chair, the narrowing of the shoulders. You’re feeling extremely uncomfortable and acutely aware of a thousand imagined eyes on you, since your top blatantly no longer fits you. In the front row, of Nana’s funeral.
4. Boner selfie when I was 7.
More awkward for my parents than me. I was like seven and I remember getting a boner, but not knowing what it was. Then I saw a disposable camera on table that was left over from vacation and had an epiphany. Luckily I could only snap 1 pic because I didn’t understand winding the camera. My parents didn’t find out until they got the pictures back. They were mortified. TL:DR Anthony Wiener ain’t got shit on me.
5. When I hug my crying wife.
I tend to get an awkward boner when I hug my crying wife.
6. When I consoled a crying female friend.
Uh, I still feel horrible for this, but one time I was traveling with a female friend across Europe (she was in a long-term relationship with someone not with us (study abroad) and she ended up leaving an extremely expensive item on a bus. The bus drove off and she broke down in tears while I consoled her. Never have I been more aware or more ashamed of the sudden erection I had.
7. Out, damned boner!
Oh man, I’m well equipped for this. In my free time I do work with a theater, and as such I generally act or stage-manage. Well the last two plays I have voluntarily been in (Macbeth and The Doctor in Spite of Himself) I was leading role. Well, both of these plays have a lot of tongue-in-cheek sexuality within them, all of which is directed at or from the lead, ME. So both in Macbeth and in Doctor I was forced to stop wearing gym shorts during rehearsal due to myself presenting itself.
8. Income inequality gets me hard.
Giving a presentation on income inequality in America for English class last year. I got reeeeeaaallly close to the podium for a minute there for this reason.
9. Always on a train…
I don’t know why, but I get an erection every time I get on a train. 100% guaranteed.
10. …or a bus.
I always get one when I ride a bus. I don’t know why, I’m never thinking about sex or anything for that matter it just happens. I’m 31 years old and this has been happening since I was 13.
11. Nurse got me hard…
I got hit the groin by a hard hit grounder during practice in Little League. I collapsed in the appropriate “I just got hit in the balls” curled up position. The pain passed in time and all was well. Over time one my testicles got bigger then the other one. During a physical about two years later when I was 13 or so the doctor noticed it. I had done got me a hydrocele! Basically, fluid in the testicle. So another appointment with another doctor and off to surgery I go. So my mom kisses me on the head and says she’ll see me in recovery. This very attractive nurse comes into the area I’m lying down in and gets me prepped for surgery. She takes down my gown and starts prepping to shave me. The second she starts I cringe. “NOT NOW. Think of something. Nuns. Homework. Grandmas.” Nothing could stop it. Full mast in seconds. Those few seconds of silence as I wondered what to do about. She snickered and made jokes about it and went about her business. Not my finest hour.
12. …patient got me hard.
I’m a male nurse, and I work in an ER. About 9 months ago I had a female patient who came in with a kidney infection, and she was smokin’ hot in her early 20s. The ER doc wrote orders to give her an IM (intramuscular) injection of antibiotics, and to then discharge her with a prescription for oral antibiotics. For IM injections of 1 ml or less we give it in the deltoid, anything over 1 ml goes in the gluteus maximus (dat ass). This injection was 2 ml. I explained to her what I was going to do, and where I was going to do it. She kind of blushed, but then rolled over on her side and slid her jeans down to reveal the upper half of a fantastic butt cheek. I prepped her with an alcohol swab, gave the injection, and then applied a Band-Aid. By the time I was done I had a full-blown steamer. I made a hasty retreat stammering about going to get her discharge paperwork in order.
13. While hypnotized…in front of a crowd…on videotape.
It was my senior graduation party in high school. Just like any other graduation party we had a hypnotist, as he’s calling for volunteers he points towards my direction. I get excited as FUCK! I run up there SUPER-excited. The hypnotization goes on and about halfway (according to the video I watched of it, I don’t remember anything) you can see my “junk” start pitching a tent in my shorts in front of the whole audience. Laughs here and there in the audience start happening. (Still remember nothing.) Anyway, the hypnotist starts saying, you’re in a muscle competition, I want you all to stand up and show off your big muscles! So I stand up, boner raging as hard as can be. The tip is right on the zipper of my shorts, it’s practically bursting out as I am doing various flexes to the audience. I’m so glad I wasn’t fully conscious during this or I would’ve died of embarrassment.